An Update to ‘My Future’

March 24, 2011 - Leave a Response

I am not dating the person she said I would be, nor will I ever. Drama between two people in my life has not occurred. However, I am utterly broke just like she warned me.

I still do double takes of any good looking young man in a suit in hopes that he’ll resemble Joseph Gordon Levitt in (500) Days of Summer and that we’ll get married. 

That is all. Over and out.

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If I don’t do this before I die

February 26, 2011 - Leave a Response

my last post will be proven to be completely useless.

20 Things That Make Me Happy/Make Life Worth Living

February 26, 2011 - Leave a Response
  1. Hummus
  2. Loud noises

    Todd Neufeld- Thomas Morgan Quartet

  3. Celestial noises
  4. Funny noises
  5. Innocence
  6. Thunderstorms in the summer
  7. The beach in the winter
  8. Honesty
  9. Genuinely nice people
  10. Watching creativity in the works
  11. Pleasant surprises and the reactions that come with them
  12. Clarifying deep breaths
  13. Charlie
  14. Riesling
  15. Discussions about important things
  16. Discussions about tedious,silly things
  17. People that still hold doors open

    Charlie starring in When Fluffy Things Attack

  18. Watching love grow before my eyes
  19. Quirks
  20. Unconditional love

My Future…

February 22, 2011 - Leave a Response

I went to a psychic today with my friend Faith. We heard about her through one of our friends who claimed her to be “legit”. We had a basic palm reading done and I regretted it immediately. She sure as hell is a bona fide psychic, but I doubt she foresaw that I would want to off myself once she revealed the things that she did about my future.

We pulled into 274 Highland Ave at approximately 1:30pm. It’s a rather small white house with a beckoning neon red sign that reads “OPEN”. After the second ring, a woman appeared chatting on her iPhone and waving us to come inside. There was a faint scent of sage that calmed my entire body and I immediately felt at home. She introduced herself as Jennifer and asked us to pardon the current state of her home for she was in the process of vacuuming all of the dog hair off the furniture before she let her Siberian husky back downstairs. We didn’t give two shits and we sat down at her little psychic desk.

After only asking me my full name and birth date, she got to work on my right palm. She first said that I had an old soul, as if it was the first time I’ve heard that. She then told me I would live until my MID TO LATE EIGHTIES. Question: who on earth wants to live for that long? I would just be a grumpy bag of bones! That was the first awful thing. She must be really experienced because for each bad thing, she would follow it up with a positive thing. Apparently I’m going to be prosperous and do something with designing and colors. Cool. I like colors. I like money. Eventually, I will start my own company of God knows what. Of course, she had to ruin my delight by then saying that I would have two children. If you don’t know me personally, I never want to have a little smelly shit that leaks bodily fluids all day. Fortunately, I won’t have them until my thirties so I can still enjoy my pretty years. But of course who would father these stupid things? A man that wears suits everyday. That’s all I got. Suit Man. Prior to Suit Man, I will date someone who I currently know (his name is not needed) but it will be short lived due to commitment issues. AWESOME. I have yet to meet the next contestant. Apparently I’m going to meet him during a trip and our relationship will last years before I fuck it up. She didn’t mention the latter part. That was my own psychic abilities. She read  other aspects of my life that were 100% accurate. Jennifer is the bomb diggity, except she had to be messenger of atrocious news. If you’re interested in being completely perplexed and amazed, then I highly recommend seeing her in Cheshire,CT.

If all of these things come true, God save the queen.

Top 5 Things Future Generations Will Be Missing Out On

February 20, 2011 - Leave a Response

5. *NSYNC/BACKSTREET BOYS/ NKOTB

Say what you will about these boy bands, but it’s an undeniable fact that boy bands today are nothing like how they used to be. The few that I’ve briefly come across are all from Disney Channel or Nickelodeon. God damnit, at least N*SYNC,The New Kids and the Backstreet Boys had enough self respect and dignity to not have their own sitcom. These “boys” brought the little girls together. It was always a blast talking about your favorite singer in whichever boy band with your friends and then hating the bitch that liked the same one as you (Listen, Brooke from 1st grade, Lance is still mine…even if he is gay). Due to the number of guys per group, there wasn’t all that much animosity going on, but it’s like every girl for herself today. Everyone wants J. Bieb, Joe Jonas or Nick Jonas whereas before you had the selection of JC, Justin, Chris, Joey, Lance, Kevin, Nick, AJ,Howie, Brian, Jordan & Jonny (the bros come in a pair), Joey M, Danny or Donnie. It’s all about the variety, people!

4. “ME WANT COOKIE!”

The Cookie Monster was one of the most popular characters on Sesame Street. I don’t know about you, but I definitely said “Om nom nom nom,” while eating my cookies. I still do. I understand that childhood obesity is growing exponentially in the US, but getting rid of the Cookie Monster was possibly the biggest mistake in PBS history. Jim Henson would be totally shakin’ his head at this Veggie Monster thing. I will be very surprised if my little cousins start saying “Om nom nom nom” while eating a celery stalk…I will also weep.

3. The Original 151

Ain’t nothin but a G thang

-Dr. Dre

Quick question: what the hell are those things that people are calling the “new” Pokemon? They’re absolutely hideous. The original 151 Pokemon are still by far the coolest. The Pokemon cards were like the crack of the playground; everyone wanted them. Some enthusiasts even had the collector’s binder. Bitches would get fuqed up if anyone touched someone else’s binder. I personally remember waking up one morning in the second grade to my neighbor ringing my doorbell asking if I would trade my Farfetch’d for his Rapidash because he really needed a Pokemon that could “Fly”. This would be a normal thing growing up. Will my children get the opportunity to be the coolest Pokemon trainer in the hood? Probably not. I apologize in advance.

2. Fuck you, Pixar

Some of the most touching Disney movies were created by traditional animation. They were so huge that we still talk about them today. For example, The Lion King is still an in demand Broadway show, everyone’s cats are named Simba or Nala, and though this taints the innocence of the movie, the term “Rafiki” is now used. For those who are fortunate enough to not know what being Rafiki’d is, I’m sorry, but I’m about to ruin your purity. It is when a male ejaculates on your forehead and then smudges it across with his thumb while saying, “Simba.” I’m sorry, I’m sorry. But do you see my point? There aren’t many movies today that will be all that monumental. Bambi? The Little Mermaid? The ORIGINAL Cinderella? The Jungle Book? Traditional animation took real talent. I think the tediousness of it all added to the quality of the movie. The only movies that I can think of that Pixar has created and may prove to be prevalent in future generations are Finding Nemo and Toy Story; a fish with a shriveled fin and a bunch of possessed toys. SMH.

1. “Hee-hee!”

Michael Jackson and Bubbles- Jeff Koons

Michael,Michael,Michael…how we miss you. Michael Jackson was such a dynamic person to watch. Who didn’t turn on VH1 to watch the “Thriller” video or the “I’m Bad” video? Though some people were beginning to start to dislike him once the scandals came about, everyone still respected his music. Ask anyone where they were on June 25, 2009 when they heard that MJ died. I distinctly remember the day. I was waiting in line to see Taking Back Sunday at the Webster Theatre. First, a man came out of his house outraged screaming, “Ya’ll hear?! Michael died! Michael DIED! HE DIED! MICHAEL!” I had no idea what this distressed man was screaming out. I thought one of his homies died. But then, my boyfriend at the time texted me saying that Michael Jackson had a heart attack, but he was still alive. Next thing you know, everyone is getting phone calls and text messages that he actually died. I then dumped him for giving me false information on the King of Pop. Just kidding. But in all seriousness, who is going to measure up to his talent and mind-boggling image? I’ll tell you who, my future child…

DAY 5

February 18, 2011 - Leave a Response

A thank you letter to someone who has changed your life:

Dear ______

You’ve taught me numerous lessons on the art of being an asshole, on revenge and on dating. I’m sure there are other things I’ve learned from you as well, but I just can’t remember. Not only did you expand my knowledge on assholes like you, but you also taught me how to perfect the art. I can now carry these lessons with me to my death bed. You probably didn’t think I’d be able to surpass your skills and yet I did.  It was great. However, I’m still very impressed of your endurance. Seeking revenge repeatedly for over 2 months is just astounding! I don’t think I have it in me to plan such tedious acts for that long! I attempted to keep up by using my awesome How To Be An Asshole 101 textbook, but I guess I can’t beat you on everything. You taught me to not ignore red flags when it comes to dating. Some of the most dire ones being:

  • If his hair is nicer than yours, don’t do it.
  • If he listens to music that makes you want to rip your face off with a spatula, don’t do it.
  • If he’s more obsessed with his phone than a 13 year old scenie weenie, DON’T DO IT.
  • If he doesn’t know how to open a damn door for you, please, don’t do it.

As you can see, these lessons have proven to be imperative in my everyday life. I can only hope that you would bless me with just one more enlightening lesson…SYKE.


The girl that left the biggest impression on your miserable life,

Soyoung Kwon

Who woulda thunk

February 18, 2011 - Leave a Response

that today’s young adult fashion would be traced back to Hey Arnold?

DIA CUATRO

February 17, 2011 - Leave a Response

What you imagine paradise to be like:

 

Paradise for me would be completely void of money and dumb bitches; everything would be free and full of swag. I’m not sure if Devendra Banhart and Joseph Gordon-Levitt would be able to live harmoniously with the idea of swag, but I would find a way. Also, everyone would be nude…I mean, heels would be acceptable, but other than that, complete nudity. It would be great. There would be a magical bookshelf that would always be kept full with great literature and an iced chai making tree. The temperature would never hit below 70 degrees Fahrenheit and never over 85. When it rains, it’ll only be stupendously hard with some thunder and lightening. Other than that, the weather would stay sunny. No bitchassness allowed in my Skwonzailand.

DAY 3

February 16, 2011 - Leave a Response

The five songs you would have with you on a desert island and why:

1. Gold Mine Gutted- Bright Eyes

So that I could reminisce on past romances and then maybe have dirty thoughts about Conor Oberst.

2.Food Chain- Chalk Talk

I can imagine having a duet with a volleyball named Wilson to this song.

3. Shake Your Coconuts- Junior Senior

Wilson and I can boogie.

4.  That’s Some Dream- Good Old War

I’m sure some positivity  would be needed if I was stranded on a desert island.

5. 99 Problems-Jay Z

Self assurance that a bitch ain’t gonna be one of my problems on that island.

DAY 2

February 15, 2011 - Leave a Response

Something that inspires you:

BEAUTY

But if the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall,
then I think we would see the beauty,
then we would stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges,
like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.”

Bowl of Oranges’ -Bright Eyes

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I couldn’t agree more. I find raw emotion, honest oddities, and things that leave a grand impact to be beautiful. They inspire me to bring forth the nonphysical allure that is in me, as it is in you, to the world. If everyone could do that, imagine how pretty the world would be. It inspires me to take initiative and change the world by first changing myself. In retrospect, if I had drawn out the beauty within myself in the past, I wouldn’t have hurt as many people as I did. Instead, I would always bring out the ugly and monstrous and utterly destroy whoever I wanted to. Maybe society conditions us to be this way, or maybe I’m just a fucked up human being. Who knows? Either way, it’s certainly no way to change the world.

Perhaps the most beautiful human being I have ever known is my grandmother. Her face had a story to tell; the deep creases being another chapter. Her eyes seriously lacked the ability to hide any sentiment which left her heart out there for the wolves to carve clean.  She had elephant eyes. They were always a bit sad looking, but they always said what her mouth couldn’t. Maybe that’s why elephants have always been my favorite animal. I know her bird legs had held her up when she just wanted to collapse sometime during her life  and they danced with mine as a child. Her small, lined hands held 4 loved babies of her own and 7 adored grandchildren. Her hands tugged at her heart strings when she had to wave goodbye to her moving children and they drew an enormous smile on her face when they held onto another’s. It was incredibly difficult to watch her get lowered into the ground in June, but it was still, in a sense, beautiful. Everyone in my family tore down their walls and let their raw emotion be displayed in front of everyone else. We mourned the death of a beautiful woman with beautiful tears and we knew that life wouldn’t be the same.